Nice doggy: Page four
The only thing I could think of was to keep my back away from it at all times, and say 'nice doggy' in the most disarming way I could muster up. The dog walked slowly around me two or three times while I repeated 'nice doggy' over and over again in the hope that the dog would see me as more of a friend than a meal. When I was certain my bowels would finally let loose the dog did exactly what I feared it would do… it lunged at my face. I was lucky enough to move my head just enough so that only one of its claws hit me, it cut me pretty deep on the cheek. The good thing was that I didn't actually soil myself when it leaped.
At this point I began to yell at the dog… 'BAD DOG! GET BACK IN YOUR HOUSE! BAD DOG!' Do not ask me why I did this… lord knows it was not a well thought out plan, but guess what? It worked. The dog circled me one or two more times and then slowly walked back towards the garage… looking over its shoulder at me the whole time. Once it disappeared around the side of the garage I turned heel and RAN.
You would be surprised at how fast and agile a drunken man can be in the dark after almost being devoured by a large and possibly wild German Sheppard. I ran like the wind down that road, I even managed to spill most of my beer along the way (no I did not drop it during the whole episode). After a while, I stopped running. I think I walked about a mile or so beyond the nice doggies house when I came to the conclusion that I was completely lost. I finally realized that I was NOT going the same way we had come, and that the chances of me finding anything OTHER than another rabid dog were slim to none. Plus, that banjo from 'Deliverance' started playing in my head again. The only thing left for me to do was to go back. Of course, that meant I would have to walk past the 'nice doggy' again.
I began to slowly trudge along. By this point I was not just drunk, but dead tired too. Once I began to see the light of the farm house again I managed the strength to hurry up a bit. When I was able to see the house itself, I managed to find the strength to run my ass off! I did not see the dog again, and I did not stop to look around for it. I just ran for as long as my wobbly legs let me. Finally I was able to run no further and just shuffled along as best as I could, hoping against hope that people would still be at the little parking lot. I had been gone a very long time and I realized that if everybody had left already, I would more than likely not even know where the lot was in the dark, much less get home safely.
I walked for what seemed like eternity. Worse yet, I ran out of beer. I had no cigarettes either. It was pure willpower that pushed me forward at that point. I struggled onward with labored breath until I began to hear the faint sound of music up ahead of me. I can't really remember what the music was… but I think it was Iron Maiden, or maybe Judas Priest, it didn't really matter. What mattered was the fact that my pals were still there.
-John Alexander (aka SirJohn)
